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COUNTDOWN

AustraliaJan 22nd, 2020

45 days to go.

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The biggest part of travelling for me has not just been visiting the most incredible scenery, tasting the most exotic of foods or meeting the most wonderful of people. That in itself has been a blessing, and I am so grateful I have had the opportunity to see a side of the world that people can only dream of. But I’ve really uncovered a side of myself that I’ve been hiding for a very long time. I’m proud that I’ve had the mental strength to endure some of the experiences I’ve had or be honest about how I’m feeling, despite fearing that the person listening will hate me or leave me. If you’ve never experienced suffering from the cruel, lonely episodes of Depression that sometimes make you question your existence or the battling, pounding heartbeat, the flurry of anxious thoughts constantly going around and around until you want to scream and beg someone to make them stop - then you are lucky. It’s painful and I’ve always hated myself for them but I’m starting to slowly realise and remind myself they don’t define me. I’m not a horrible, nasty person because I think certain things or feel certain emotions and I’m proud I’ve got to this part of my trip, able to be this open about who I am. Mental illness can sometimes try and pull you down into unimaginable depths, forcing you to believe you should be alone forever but it’s not true. If you can try to be the best you can and work with your mind instead of against it, you can start to fade the blackness out into these colours. I will always be proud of the progress I’ve made to get to a point I never thought I’d see. A reminder, you will ALWAYS be loved by those that matter. ❤️ #mentalhealthmatters

Randoms from Vietnam. Mainly featuring me in a weird hat.

Hell, I think I’ve learnt and am learning more about myself travelling this past year and a bit than my ENTIRE 26 YEARS AND 4 MONTHS OF EXISTENCE. I can conclude that it can be the best thing and also the worst thing - especially if you want to face, challenge and overcome your insecurities head on. There’s no where to hide. There’s no distractions. You’ve got to accept them and you’ve got to deal with them - and try and keep a sense of normality with them without going insane. I’m not going to expand on what I’ve been thinking the last ten days I was at home, or the last few days in Vietnam. I’m loving it, but I’m now acutely aware that my brain seems to struggle with feeling content, loved, or happy. Maybe it’s because they’re things I’ve not been used to .. and it finds it hard to believe. Maybe it’s easier for your brain to believe old thoughts than it is accepting happier, more content new ones. I am now trying to peacefully yet stubbornly tell myself to enjoy each day as it comes .. and not panic about things that I can’t control. And with that, stop feeling the need to be IN control. If things are meant to be they will, no amount of controlling anything will change that, no amount of panic will change that - easier said than done for me, but I’m trying my best. “Que será será ... whatever will be, will be” .. 🎵

I’m choosing to watch Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows rather than packing for my impending trip to Vietnam because clearly watching @t22felton is way more important. I returned to #london 10 days ago to celebrate my Grandma’s 94th birthday and I’ve spent this week with new friends, old friends and family. I’ve had a really nice time catching up but I’ve struggled with how I’m feeling about myself image wise, with a lack of exercise and eating cheap market food the last year contributing. I’m all for body confidence but DAMN is it hard sometimes. It doesn’t matter what incredible place you’re visiting, the mind is strong and reminds you how much tinier you could have been if you’d just been more controlled. So to sum up? I’m LOVING the places, the food and the people - and then also hating myself. Annoying. Travel wise, I continue onwards tomorrow, travelling through Vietnam, Indonesia and eventually to Australia where I will be WORKING AND LIVING A LOVELY, STABLE LIFE. It’s getting difficult to make such good friends travelling and then having to leave eachother. It’s like a mini heartbreak every time and I’m hoping a routine will be a fine thing, not just for my physical wellbeing but also to create a steady group of positive people around me. Exciting things are coming .. and that’s awesome. With that, I’m getting back to watching @t22felton and NOT getting back to packing and shall leave you with the quote of all quotes, by a wonderful, wizarding genius: “Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light” - Albus Dumbledore 🌟

I’m going to blame the reason I’m feeling sick as partly down to having two cappuccinos, partly because I don’t know how to deal with an issue that keeps coming up time and time again and partly because I’ve not slept as my Dad was coughing all night waking me up, making me panic. It always makes me wonder how quickly my moods can change. I had a nice day today yet something has switched and I feel very bad. Sometimes I have these thoughts where I think I just want to run away from everyone and disappear. That it’s better to be alone than to think the things I think and feel the panic I feel. The anxiety, the depression, the hopelessness, the jealousy, the feeling like you’re not good enough for anyone and therefore you’ll be alone forever and actually maybe being alone forever means no one has to deal with your shit - are thoughts I have regularly. They’re happening right now. I’m at a point where I can manage these thoughts most of the time, but sometimes, I can’t. I start to feel guilty because I feel like I should step away from people that care - that I don’t deserve their love. I can’t explain it. It doesn’t make any sense, but it’s the crap my mind wants me to believe.. that it would be better to get rid of everyone and just be alone staring at the 4 walls of my room. I am therefore going to try and flip my mind around and share this publicly as motivation for my Monday, because I’ve actually had a nice Monday - despite all this. Yeah I know, what a mess my mind is when it thinks. Today, I am GRATEFUL for the fact that I have spent the best part of the year talking about my brain. I can now feel these insecurities, and work with a therapist to heal. I am GRATEFUL to have spent a lovely morning in Regents Park, doubting my body’s ability to exercise and yet succeeding in a great session that made me feel good. I also met someone very special in that time - so thank you @jacob_hazell for this morning, you are a cool human. I am GRATEFUL that these thoughts, however terrible and isolating they are, will pass. My motivation for this Monday is to tell anyone in this position that it will be ok. What’s your #motivationmonday ?

NEW POST LIVE. “WHY LAOS WAS NOT AS LAOS-Y AS THAILAND” (Yeah, great pun I know). This blog posts details why I didn’t LOVE my time in Thailand on the typical Backpacker route - which I cleverly named the “Pied Piper Trail of Binge Drinking and Shagging galore” - because I’m witty like that - and why Laos for me really saved Asia. Happy Reading 😉 LINK IN BIO

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