Today would have been my Grandad’s 99th birthday. I felt it right to share some words about him and to him, seeing as his death was what kickstarted a different life for me I suppose. Here goes.

Dear Grandad.

First and foremost, a major happy birthday to you. 99 years young up there, and you’re probably eating cheese sandwiches in celebration, most likely cut up with a knife and fork. I would also assume you’ve made a ton of friends, and you’re chatting to Frank Sinatra about the war or singing to him the way you always used to sing to us. You had some good vocal chords but I’m not sure you could beat Sinatra. He’s probably told you.

A lot has happened since that fateful year. If you’ve got wifi connection up there and somehow a computer that has allowed you to read my blogs, you’ll know that your passing triggered an almighty breakdown for me. You were my space space, both your home and you as a person. When Dad used to get ill or was rushed into hospital, I found being with you or at yours calming. When there were constant carers at ours, I felt a sense of normality I longed for, just being with you, or going out for lunch with you. I loved when we went to restaurants or that time we took you to see a Frank Sinatra show in London, and the Costa coffee you had before was “the most delicious coffee” you’d ever had. I miss it, but it’s a dull ache now, not the horrendous stabbing pain it used to be.

I’m sorry Grandad, but I used alcohol as a tool of coping when I lost you. I forgot how to eat and survived off caffeine and I started to lose the will to live. I don’t think I can ever explain these holes I had in my stomach and my chest when it finally hit me I wouldn’t see you again, but I think everything that happened from that moment was clearly meant to be. I was put on antidepressants, stopped therapy and went travelling for 1.5 years across many continents, desperate to see that the world had some form of light when all I could feel was darkness. It worked.

I came back after the outbreak of COVID – yes Grandad, you missed an entire pandemic – started a writing business after my mental health/backpacking blog became popular, travelled more, wrote more, learnt Spanish, moved out, got a boyfriend, got a job in marketing, split up with my boyfriend, moved back in with the family and now am trying to save for a future – whilst potentially spending those savings on upcoming trips. I got ANOTHER job and I’m busy almost every minute with it but it’s good fun. The love life Grandad I hear you ask? It isn’t much right now. You’d be honestly horrified at the men on these dating apps. The amount of people who pretend they’re interested in you, get your hopes up and then they find someone else. It’s like those shopping belts you put your items on to be scanned before you pay – but I am seemingly the chocolate bar people pick up and put back for something else more wholesome, like I don’t know, a bag of clementines or something. Yeah okay, the metaphors are slacking today but you get me.

To be honest, I am wholesome. I’m like a healthy fruit and nut bar, more than a dairy milk, so I’m not going to put myself down whether I’m making food metaphors or not. I’ve done that too much the last few days. I just don’t think I’ve found a guy on my emotional level, you know? If someone doesn’t realise how much I bring to the table, they’ve got to be careful the door doesn’t slam on their back on the way out. Know what I mean Grandad? You always enjoyed hearing about that kind of stuff back in the day – I wish I could talk to you about the latest losers 😂 no doubt you’d remind me that ‘I’m a lovely girl and you deserve to find someone better’. I’ll try to remember that.

I’m almost 31 years old now Grandad and that is crazy to me, seeing as when we lost you I was in my mid-twenties. I definitely have felt pretty horrendous since I turned 30. I know you can say all sorts of things like ‘life begins at 30’ but for me, my life looks different and always has, to that of people around me. Comparison is ugly, unnecessary and never relevant, seeing as I’ve taken a different road to most people I know, but it’s hard to stop. It’s hard to not let intrusive thoughts enter my head and to instead stay present-minded. When I was in the Philippines with my friend Mollie over the new year, time went out the window. Not just the daily hours, but the feelings I had of my age. And yes, I get it, I’m not 99 years old but it still feels a bit scary. Whenever I’m home, my mental health plummets a bit, panic settles in about things like age and future, and I don’t have that when I’m away.

It’s why I’m looking forward to my next trip. I’m going to spend it zoning OUT.

Anyway, it’s been an interesting time for sure. I did have a great period of loving being by myself, welcoming in what was good for me and cutting out the people who made me feel sad, but I seem to be slacking on that right now. I guess I can’t beat myself up about it, but I suppose now is a vulnerable time for me and it’s harder to do than it was before. Today, I made the first of a few baby steps to actively take control and to try and make myself feel better. Apart from the woman to my left on this train who absolutely smells, and the man to my right who is dangerously close to falling asleep on my shoulder, it’s worked a little.

Anyway, that’s my life update for you in a nutshell. I know you’ve been watching over us when you can, and making sure we’re all okay. I’m sure you’d be proud of all of us and everything we’ve individually accomplished. There’s been challenges, but you know what Mum and Dad like – they’re a dream team.

I’ll end this now because you’ve probably been thrown a birthday party up there, and have cake to eat and wine to drink. Just know, you’re in my thoughts today and I wish you were here so we can celebrate you in person. Instead, I’ll cheers to you in my heart and send you love from a million miles away.

Forever your favourite granddaughter,

Emily

Xx