After taking many flights across the world over the years, it’s become apparent that all humans are the same, more or less, when it comes to how we act on flights. I’ve been the person in each of these examples and also the person who complains about it too. So let’s dive straight in.

The one who hates you for using the toilet

I used to love the window seat when I was younger, but now, due to the attitude of my fellow flight neighbours, I absolutely dread it. Why? Because more often than not, when you dare to even unbuckle your seatbelt to use the toilet, which of course is there for EVERY passenger, and not just for those in the aisle, I undoubted get a glower of hatred from my middle and aisle neighbours, who have to go to the effort of standing and moving 2cm to the side to let me pass. How dare I decide to inconvenience them with my human-based need. I apologise profusely as a polite British person does, whilst silently cursing my manners because why am I apologising for getting them to stretch their legs? If anything? They should be grateful I’m making them do so. Yeah, you’re frickin’ welcome.

The one with the baby 

These parents I really feel for because at the end of the day, their poor baby is either bored, hungry, tired, their ears are popping, or quite frankly they’re fed up with the flight taking this long – and I agree with them. In fact, they’re lucky they can get away with screaming because they’re a baby and can air their frustration, whereas if I did that – and there’s been many times I’ve wanted to – I’d be carted off in a straight jacket upon an emergency landing. I really do feel for the parents though, because unfortunately, everyone on that flight – especially long haul flights – no matter how badly you feel for them and their little one, will inevitably end up hating them, after 15 hours of interrupted sleep. I was on a 7-hour night flight recently, and this baby did not stop yelling. Not even cute baby yelling, but roaring. By the time we landed, after I had barely slept in 24 hours from the moment I’d left Guatemala City to my arrival in Buenos Aires, and it took everything in my willpower to not join her in roaring too.

The one who coughs

There should be a rule with flying. If you have a cough that makes me question whether or not you’re dying? You should not board a plane. If you have a cough that makes you sound like you’ve smoked three packets of Marlborough Reds in ten minutes? You should not board the plane. If you have a cough that sounds like you’re starting COVID 2.0? Don’t be a tw*t and please don’t board the plane . There is quite honestly nothing worse than sitting next to or near someone who decides to spread their germs to you, mask-less and without a care in the world, whilst you sit there trying to shrink away from them. Hire a car, take a flying carpet, I don’t care – just DON’T BOARD THE PLANE.

The one who talks too loud 

I lie, there IS something worse than someone coughing up tar next to me, and that’s when an individual talks way too loud for far too long. To me, it’s the same as boarding the underground at 7.30am in London. There is an unspoken rule that NOBODY talks before 9am because we are all half asleep and want to relax before we start our day. If you dare to utter a word before this time, you will be met by a smattering of glares, and if you talk too loudly? Well, I can’t confirm what would happen but it might involve someone pushing you out the door. The same set of unspoken rules and regulations are applied to the person who is airing their life to the cabin – especially if it’s a night flight. To put it bluntly – I don’t care that your ex-boyfriend is a cheating bastard. I don’t care that your all-inclusive had three breakfast buffets and nor do I care that you got a great deal on fridge magnets – the only person who would probably love that magnet story is my mum. I can guarantee you, your plane neighbour doesn’t care and has been lumbered into listening to you banging on at a volume that means I can hear you from 25 rows behind. Write it on a post-it and hand it around the cabin, tweet it on X-formerly-known-as-Twitter pre-takeoff, but god please, please stop talking that loud.

The one who doesn’t care 

I slightly admire the passenger who boards the plane, sits in his seat and doesn’t give a flying fudge about who’s next to him, in front or behind him. Admire and hate I suppose because they’re also insanely selfish, but wow the entire chutzpah of this person. You’ve got to be a really confident person to feel like you can push your seat back to the point of squashing the guy behind you, pull it back a little when they complain, and then push it back again ten minutes later. Or if you’re the passenger that insists on kicking the back of someone’s chair many times. Or if you’re the individual who decided my arm rest was a place to put your sock-less dirty foot. I mean, really, I’m in awe of the sheer lack of give-a-f*ckness here. If only I could embody that.

I could continue on and speak about the air steward who gets annoyed when you ask for two glasses of water and not one, or question why I’ve never heard a pilot have a high pitched voice and everyone sounds the same when they’re announcing something – you know, that cool, low, slow, sultry voice they’ve got going on for them – but I’m tired and want to enjoy the rest of my flight (whilst ignoring the woman three seats away who is the epitome of person 3 as aforementioned above.

What kinds of people have you encountered on flights?