Oh my god, I’m 28 years old.
What. The. Entire. Heck.
For someone who is a secret/not-so-secret now Peter Pan, the thought of turning 28 makes me feel genuinely ill inside. I just hate getting older – like every ayota of it.I hate the thought of having more responsibilities and I hate the thought of NOT having enough responsibilities, I hate the thought of people getting older, the world getting older and dogs getting older despite the fact I don’t own one. I hate that I’ve not done the 106 things I said I was going to do before the age of 30, the fact I don’t own a house in London or work as the CEO of a bank despite never wanting to do anything in finance. I hate that I don’t have a family of 4 with a loving husband and four dogs with a summer house in the Lake District but I also hate that I haven’t travelled the entirety of the world single yet or dated enough jerks/frogs to then be like oh FINALLY I’ve found the one huns. I hate that I’ve not run a full marathon, completed a triathlon, gone vegan for more than 5 days, listened to my body and cut out gluten and lactose, become Nigella overnight and now whip out healthy meals 9-5, go on runs every lunchtime OR become a pastry chef who goes on to win Masterchef. I also hate paradoxes, so yeah you can see my problem.
But can you see? THERE IS NOT TIME TO DO IT ALL.
Okay, this is the part where I calm the heck down and think about what I’ve achieved and REALISTICALLY what my outlook should be going forward. I know these things are usually saved for New Years, and hell, you’ve even got the people that are anti New Year resolutions and say you should just do it at some point during the year. Well, I guess that’s what I’m going to do here. I’m going against the New Year Resolution norms people and creating my own brand new list of them – whilst chatting about some things I’m proud of doing, because actually? I’ve done a hell of a lot this past year. And actually actually? I think I’m looking forward to my 28th year of youth. Here goes fellas.
I’m proud of the fact I’m in therapy
It took me travelling around the world and ending up in therapy in Melbourne to realise I was drowning and actually needed help. I begged this random Australian therapist to help me. And she did briefly, but she told me I had to go back home and seek someone too. I did that. I mean, admittedly COVID kinda pushed me back from Australia to London and didn’t give me back any of my VISA money in the process but still, I returned home, I sought help. It’s not easy unwriting the parts of yourself you’ve spent so long living the story of, but I’m doing it slowly and that’s something I’m proud of.
I’m proud of the fact I moved out
I had in my mind I wanted to move out for a while, but there was always something putting me off. It changed daily, from money issues, to family issues, to just plain being scared to leave. What if something happened at home with my Dad (who’s got MS) and I couldn’t help? Needless to say, I took the plunge. The times that Dad has been in hospital, I’ve been grateful to have some physical space away from it. I know what affects me a little more clearly now, and I don’t think I can see it anymore. It’s hard to admit, but it just sends me down a never-ending black hole and I’m not always strong at climbing out of that when it happens so suddenly.
I’m proud of the fact I’m starting to slowly realise my worth
I say s.l.o.w.l.y. This is a miniscule step, and no it’s no good you telling me I’m a queen despite the fact I know deep down I am. This is something I need to learn and relearn and really feel and hold onto. I know I’m not perfect, but I’m also kind, and good hearted and damn am I funny too. If someone doesn’t recognise my inner Beyonce then they can sure as heck let the door slam them on their flat ass when they leave.
I’m proud of my friends
I’m really blessed to see the people that have shown up for me in the last year. I’ve learnt a lot about what I value in humans, and traits that make me simply unwell. For one, I’m realising that I don’t do well with stubborn people. I think when you’ve been through shit, you don’t have such a massive ego. You have seen first hand how short life is, and how petty things seem in comparison. I’m so proud that my friends are people who have similar mindsets to me, and therefore there’s no drama. When there is drama, I’m learning through therapy to take a step back and examine why that’s triggering me, and have a think about whether it’s actually their insecurities flaring rather than my own. It’s not always perfect, but I do a lot better with people that just let things go like I do than those who don’t. It’s taken a lot to come to this realisation, but sometimes you just have to surround yourself with people who get it and unfortunately try to move on from those who don’t. There’s no point in making yourself ill for other people’s problems.
I’m proud of my writing career
When I was in school, I never knew what I wanted to do. Well, scrap that, I did. I wanted to be an actress. Then a TV presenter. Then I thought ugh I don’t think I’m good looking enough for either of those things (sigh!) I want to be a makeup artist. Then a PT. So many choices that worked out and then didn’t. I used to write my career plans on pieces of paper and often they’d be loose ideas, born out of frustration. I worked as a PA and Receptionist for years trying to figure it out at the same time – but I couldn’t. I then went travelling and started writing my ‘online diary’ as I call it whilst working for free to build up a portfolio of articles – and here I am, a couple of years later, applying for more writing jobs, with clients in tow. Sure, I’m not earning the salary of said banker job I envisioned in my opening paragraph, but I love what I do, and despite the fact that freelancing can be damn hard, I know I can make a success of it if I keep pushing it. I actually want to write a book, or a screenplay – I haven’t quite decided yet. There is literally nothing holding me back but fear. I say screw it and write them anyway.
My goals for my 28th year
I’m not going to write lengthy paragraphs over the things I’d like to achieve over the next year.
I know for one, arguing with the Australian government and American Express to get my visa and my travel money back is WAY high up on my list. I’d like to cook more, perhaps work out a little schedule where I can actually remember to take stuff out of the freezer the day before and if I DO take it out, actually bother cooking it. I’d like to go back to my 90% vegetarian roots and make juices every day. I’d like to incorporate running a little more into my week and do some yoga and meditation. I would like to find a place for sunset and maybe a place for sunrise (if I ever wake up) so I can say hello to my Grandad – if anyone knows a place in London, holllaaaa. I would also like to start saving more for the future travel trips I plan on having. I want to start writing my book. I want to let the toxic men go and also stop beating myself up for the actions of other people. I want to believe that despite the numerous dating disasters and the belief that all men are trash, that someone somewhere is right now asleep (because it is gone 1am) and it hasn’t been my time to meet them yet. And worst comes to worst there’s always the sperm bank. Jokes aside, I do believe in letting the universe do its thing and I really think that every experience teaches you something – even the rubbish ones you wish you’d never had. I think that the people of value find you unexpectedly and I deserve nothing but the best.