I think I’ve always been wired to deal with difficult situations in destructive ways. From being a child and teenager who felt unable to talk about inner demons, and hid my struggles under a grin, to a 20-year old whose cover-up shattered into pieces upon the breakdown of a relationship, the loss of my grandfather and the constant, anxiety-ridden hospital dashes that my Dad has had to ensure. Substance abuse and the tell-tale signs of eating disorders largely went unnoticed until a kindly friend and colleague at an old workplace many, many years ago, took me aside, told me he could see what was going on and threatened me with an intervention. That, combined with medication and constant therapy, helped me enormously, and got me to a place where I can now drink sensibly, notice when I’m obsessing about food, and try and find healthier ways to express when situations are affecting me.

When travel isn’t an instant and viable escape anymore, when the world feels unsafe, scary and sad, and when it’s difficult to put pen to paper, I find the following things help me when I’m wanting to look after my head and my heart in a healthier way. They may seem obvious and basic to some, but when you’re an individual who has spent decades brandishing a clown smile instead of dealing with difficult feelings, they have been a lifesaver. Feel free to share what helps you too in the comments below.

Awareness

I know I’ve got an addictive personality, it’s just part of my genetic makeup I guess. When I feel anxious or low, it is a natural and instinctive part of my brain, to try and numb the ‘numbness’. That looks different for every person, and can raise its ugly heads in various forms, whether that’s alcohol for some, drugs for another, prescription medication, food binging or food suppressing, obsessing over exercise or even buying a packet of cigarettes, despite knowing that you’re going to have tonsillitis from it in two days (yes, that always used to happen for me). I’m starting to gradually get to a place where in times of duress, I can actually notice it, and take a step back from the situation to think rationally about how to feel better. Usually I have to accept I’m in some form of emotional pain, I don’t need to necessarily figure out the reason why, but I try to do things that can benefit me rather than use ways that will enviably make me feel worse in the long run. Instead of numbing pain, I’ll buy my little rescue remedy bottle. Instead of reaching for a packet of cigarettes, I try to exercise – and not put pressure on the workout. When I want to binge, I remind myself that everything is going to be okay, and that having some pieces of chocolate is better than eating all the food in the fridge and freezer. I also have talking therapy, so I can remind myself in the moment I can bring this struggle to her, and we’ll figure it out together, rather than feeling like I’m alone in this. Simple things help me.

Communicate with my friends and family

It’s taken me the best part of two decades to be able to express to friends and family when I’m not feeling very well. It feels like an almighty effort to admit, let alone talk about. Most of the times, I feel like I don’t want to delve into it, but even just letting people close to me know that I’m not feeling the best in my head, has allowed me some peace and space. It’s a lot better than grinning 24/7, 7 days a week – and less achy on my face muscles!

Talking therapy

I’m privileged enough to have a therapist, and a therapist I’ve been with a while. Years even. It has always wound me up when people, especially those who have never been in therapy, question my therapist’s motives and why one needs to be in therapy for so long. They fail to realise, even when told, that if you’ve spent every single year, since you were 5 years old, not very mentally well (and you’re now nearing 32) a 6-week course may simply just not cut it. In fact, a couple of years may not cut it. It’s taken me about five years, to get to a place where barriers are broken down, and I can talk about very traumatic experiences, some of which I didn’t even realise were there, and make connections to how it affects me now in the present. I’m happy knowing that I’m finally in a place where I feel stable. There are still ups and downs, and I still have struggles, but it’s taken me a long time to get to a better place. Never, ever let someone dictate their views over your therapy and your journey. It’s none of their business, and it usually comes from their own inner turmoil. If you can access therapy on the NHS, I recommend it. If you prefer private, there are numerous therapists on Psychology Today who offer different types of therapy and at various prices. There’s also the free text messaging service SHOUT, available 24/7, for when you simply need someone to talk to. AI is now becoming an interesting tool too – I’ve often used Chat GPT to gather my thoughts together. If that doesn’t resonate, simply visiting your GP and seeing how they can help is useful. Please remember these are accessible in the UK, but may differ if you live elsewhere.

Start a new hobby

I must say, this is literally way down on the list of things to do, when I can’t be bothered to do things, but sometimes? Things to do simply helps. I need to get back to it, but I did enjoy when I was learning Spanish. It gave me a routine and something to keep to – although I’ve now forgotten lots, so I need to get back to it. I also want to try a dance class, self defence and singing but hey ho, all in good time eh.

You are frickin’ great – remember that

I write this, whilst forgetting how frickin’ great I am. I have a habit of wasting my time with people who don’t realise this, and no I am not being cocky, but real. I often spend time ruminating on lost friendships, or useless men, who don’t actually realise how good they’ve got it. Their actions make me doubt myself, which is a me problem, but their behaviour is a them problem. I cannot force someone to see what they’re missing, whether that’s in friendships, dating or relationships. The most important thing for me, and something I’m currently having to remember right now, is that I am frickin’ great – and I will only let those who share a similar greatness see it, experience it and revel in it. Anyone else, can get in the bin. Say it louder for those at the back, Em.

Finito.

What do you do to help your mental health?