A summary of my last month: Has it been the best ever not working, being at home for a month with no distractions? Nope. Are you looking forward to going away to a billion countries and not knowing what’s to come? Erm? I mean, I wouldn’t say NOPE, but I would be lying if I’ve said this month has been easy. I have 2 weeks until I move to Spain, living with a random family who may be slightly pissed they need to buy me soya leche for breakfast .. 2 months until I fly to Bogota, 6 months until I fly from Brazil to Delhi (don’t ask about the 3 time zones & countries I’ll be crossing over 2 days of travelling (but hey I’m a poor backpacker right? I MUST SAVE MONEY), many months until conquering the whole of Asia, then Aus, NZ & absolutely 2 minutes until I lose my shit at the slowest M&S till person ever known to mankind – I digress.
For a human who can deal with the highs and lows of life, this may seem like a very exciting yet mammoth task..and don’t get me wrong, I cant wait. But, I am fully aware that whilst I seem capable of grinning most days, it may not necessarily represent the mood I was in 5 minutes before – aka where I haven’t been able to get out of bed and feel the most low I’ve ever felt.. whilst staring at the floor. I used to be very confused as to how I could have such down or anxious days.. I’d heard of Depression and Anxiety, but they’re just words you hear in the media.. and I most definitely hadn’t heard of them together. And also, if I felt so low or panicky when I’d JUST messaged my friends about coffee .. did that make me crazy?? Fake? And who wants a fake, crazy daughter and friend? I still have to tell myself that I’m NOT crazy but it’s hard. I’d suffered with my mental health since I was 5 – but it wasn’t until the likes of #RobinWilliams, #StephenFry & more recently @mattzhaig @bryonygordon became more open about hiding their mental health struggles, that I felt more human. So in the run up to my leaving date, my excitement at leaving has turned (without going into too much) into not a good week .. with a lot of shitty, unexpected but urgent medical results I’ve received obviously trying to test me out further and STRESS ME OUT amongst other things.
But I am grateful for the meds, my incredible doctor, my supportive and awesome friends for never, ever judging me and helping me through this and reminding me that this trip is the best trip I could ever, ever do for myself.
So now it’s lifted enough, and I’m feeling super, duper brave to write ( and also really scared to be so honest but this is my personal blog journey and I felt like writing an honest depiction of my week), I can say fuck you Depression. Fuck you Anxiety. Sorry Dad for swearing and thanks for reading – if you got this far. Really. This was also more for Future Emily reading this, but thanks again, and also Future Emily reading this- I hope you’re in a hammock in Thailand drinking from a coconut – you are STRONG AND FABULOUS SISTER. ☺️❤️